Writing is therapeutic for me so please indulge me a little. I have Matthew West's "Save a place for me" and Chris Tomlin's "I will arise" on repeat and I need to get some thoughts out of my head. Who would have thought when I started this blog to write on "whatever" I wanted to that one day I would be expressing my feelings about someone I loved so much going to Jesus way to early! I am back in MN now and I have had quite the week to say the least. This may be kind of lengthy but I need to write about the week a little. This is more for me than you but if it does something for you I'm glad.
On Thursday evening, February 18, I received a text from my sister Katie that Penny's oxygen level was in the 70's (normal is 95-98) and her hear rate was plummeting. I jumped online to look for flights but the last one out of Minneapolis to Columbus was at 7:25 pm. At the time of Katie's text it was 6:20 pm. I knew there was no way I could make it. I felt trapped with miles separating me from my sister and family as Penny began her voyage to the next home. Thursday night was agonizing to say the least. Dustin, my parents, Polly, and Katie were all there to assist Penny during this horrific time and there I sat 800 miles away unable to do anything but pray. I received text messages and picture messages throughout the evening. I know my family was trying to keep me involved but with every message I was reminded once again that I wasn't there. It was the most frustrated and helpless I have ever felt in my entire life. I laid down in bed around 1:00 am and decided to try and get some rest. At 3:15 my cell phone rang and Polly was on the other end. She told me Jenni (a friend of my family that is a nurse and walked with my family ever step of the way throughout Penny's battle) thinks the time is getting very near and that I should speak to Penny on the phone...basically to say my last words to her. I had no time to think. Polly just said, "Here she is" and there I was in this moment I never wanted to happen. I struggled to get my words out as I heard Penny moaning and in pain but I told Penny that I loved her. I told her that she fought so bravely and I was so proud to call her my sister. I told her that I loved her. I quoted Psalm 23, "Yeah, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil." I told her to go to Jesus and that I would see her soon. The next thing I knew Polly was on the line. When Polly said goodbye I tossed the phone on the ground and cried like I have never cried before. Gretchen put her head against mine and cried with me. Tori woke up and came over to hug my arm as well.
I decided to buy the earliest ticket I could get on Friday morning so I could get home to my family. So at 4:00 am I bought a ticket that would put me in Columbus by 12:15 pm on Friday. At 6:30 central time Katie called as I was getting ready to go to the airport. When I said hello, I heard these words - "She's gone". I couldn't wrap my mind around the finality of those words. Honestly, I am still trying to grasp the fact that I will never see Penny again here on this earth.
I finished getting ready and went to the airport. I texted and called as many people as I could think of regarding the news of Penny's death. I left MN with a sick feeling in my stomach. DJ (Katies' husband) picked me up from the airport and drove me straight to the funeral home. I wanted the chance to see Penny before the calling hours. We arrived at the home and a kind lady escorted me to the room where Penny's body lay. I took one look at Penny and knew that she was long gone. It was a indescribable feeling to look at Penny's body and know that it was empty. It was incredibly difficult to stand there and see her but in the same way a little hope crept into my soul - Penny was in the presence of Jesus!
From the funeral home where Penny was DJ took me to another funeral home where Dustin and my dad were. They, along with Rick (assistant pastor at Penny's church), were meeting with the funeral home guy to make plans for the calling hours, funeral, and burial. I walked into the funeral home and Dustin & my dad were trying to pick out a casket. I walked over to my dad and gave him an emotionally charged hug. I gave Dustin a hug as well and his sadness was just weighing heavy on him. I can't imagine what he is going through! Picking out coffins, thank you notes, verses for the funeral bulletin, etc. are needed details but wow - it is a real sucky job. I am glad I was able to get there in time to help out with the process.
Monday was the day of the calling hours and funeral. I can't say how thankful I am to all who came. We had people that drove from all over the place - Indiana, southern Ohio, Pennsylvania, Wyoming, Iowa, etc. What made this more amazing is that it was snowing like crazy all day. So much so that interstate 71 was closed down for a while. As more and more people showed up I seemed to gain this strength and peace as the day wore on. Penny's funeral was a difficult celebration (if that's possible). Gretchen sang wonderfully and all that participated (Glenn Amos, Rick Hanna, Bill Abernathy Sr., Bill Abernathy Jr., Dustin, Dad, Julie & Heidi, and me) were able to honor Penny by giving God the glory He deserves.
The hardest part of the day came during the calling hours. Little Abraham (Penny & Dustin's 18 month old son) came walking up to the casket. He put his arms up so I picked him up. When he saw Penny he stretched out his arms towards her and began grunting. He was trying to tell me that he wanted his mama. Almost anyone that saw this take place was moved to tears.
I could continue on with the week - burying Penny in southern Ohio at German Ridge Cemetery, my other sister Polly slipping on the ice at the cemetery and breaking her ankle in two places, saying goodbye to family and heading back to MN, etc.- but I think I will stop here. I said writing is therapeutic for me and I feel a little better now.
I know Penny is with Jesus. I know the pain cancer caused is over for her. I know she understands eternity better now. I know she is fine. I am truly happy for her. BUT I am here without her. I don't understand eternity. I feel the pain of loss. My heart aches and tears come to my eyes randomly throughout the day as I think of her. Grieving will happen for a good, long while. I take solace in the fact that Jesus cares. He experienced loss and pain. We know that when He wept over Lazarus' death. So I will rest in Him. I will cling to the promises of His words. I'll cherish the memories I have in my heart of Penny. I will try to live a life like she did - fully alive, putting others ahead of herself, and as a stranger on this earth.
Thank you for the cards, text messages, voicemails, hugs, and encouraging words. Dustin, my family, and I would really be lost without you. The church is alive and well!
Finally, I love you Penny. You are victorious because of Jesus' death & resurrection. See you soon!
